THE BETTER TO SEE YOU WITH, MY DEAR

I have to have eye surgery. Immediately. I learned this when I went to my opthomologist for a field vision test? because I take a medicine called Plaquenil (for my rheumatoid arthritis and polymyalgia rheumatica), and presumably it can affect one's eyes in a detrimental fashion. This test is a baseline. I think it tested my peripheral vision, a situation that has nothing to do with my peripheral neuropathy. That's a different problem for which I have several other doctors: Dr. Soriano, Dr. Rosen, Dr. Kinley, Dr. Spiegel, and on the horizon a neurologist recommended by Dr. Warren, my psychiatrist, ( and who wouldn't need one of those after all this fun) Dr. Angelo Alves, who is, according to Dr. Warren, better that the entire Mayo Clinic and will save me the trip. I never learned how I'm doing in the periperal vision arena because Dr. Behler was so excited to see that I have cataracts on both eyes, fast spreading ones, of course.

I have been aware for some time that I have fairly indifferently growing cataracts, but suddenly they have been spurred on, probably by Plaquenil, prednisone, and the 10 other prescription drugs that I subject my body to each and every day. Hear me on this: as fertilizers are to plants so drugs are to diseases. Remember I was the first to point this out.

I am to go on Monday to be measured. I think, although this hasn't been confirmed, that I am having one eye measured then for the new lens which will be implanted on Wednesday after that old stiff, cloudy, yellow one is (for wont of a better word) phacoemulsified.

This phacoemulsification will be preceded by capsulorhexis, in case you were wondering. I am. I realize that I did not ask Dr. Behler a single question. He even asked me if I had any. I replied that I didn't know enough about what he was telling me to ask a rational question. Well, that may have been a first. It all happened so fast. In these days of Socialized Medicine specialists have to be quick in order to pay for their Beemers and Alpha Romeos and this visit was no exception. The field test was fast, the vision test faster, and the surgery scheduling fastest. I was out the door and totally blinded by the Florida sunlight (pupils enlarged by drops) before I could say clear corneal incision.

I do have a distinct memory of Scott's (I call my doctor by a first name if I am so addressed) glowing promise that I would be able to see my ball on the green from over 200 yards away. Since I have never hit a shot 200 yards this will indeed be a happy occasion. I was also assured that I would see colors better than an LSD trip could provide. I will be unable to verify that comparison.

I have not queried the fact that my playing partners have not commented on my growing sightlessness. We are all used to playing with the seeing challenged. I have gradually become accustomed to hitting my ball into a fog. I have been able to identify the general flight direction, but if it cut, hooked, faded, sliced, or went in the hole I couldn't say.

Howsomever, Wednesday is the DAY for the first eye. The surgery itself will only take 8 minutes. Personally, I would prefer 8 hours. This is my EYE we are talking about, for gods' sakes. Someone has to drive me home afterwards, I am told, because it is against the law to drive while drugged. Well, hello, enforce that law, and you take care of Florida's traffic problems. Which friend to prevail upon? My daughter, who is supposed to be in charge of me when I am incapacitated, is teaching swimming that day and quickly absolved herself of the responsibility. She knew she was safe as she will be EARNING MONEY. She knows that I would never interfere with that. The rest of the women, my erstwhile friends, will all be at the golf course by 12 noon and not a minute later or risk being left out of the game. Juanita has fled for home just when she could have been of some slight use. The surgery is between 11 and 12 in Largo, 30 minutes away. A true conundrum. Transportation can be arranged for me, I learn, and that is good to know if all else fails. However, Ruby, my Shivas Irons stalwart and traveling companion, cheerfully steps up, as they say. Plan on a report later next week on the success of the CLEAR CORNEAL CATARACT SURGERY AND FOLDABLE LENS IMPLANTATION.